The second year, Ex didn't want to go out or dress up, but we agreed that it would be fun (or, in retrospect, I thought it would be fun and Ex didn't complain) to have a pumpkin carving party. I had a lot of friends show up. Ex had invited one guy from work who got lost trying to find the house. He repeatedly called Ex, who refused to answer his phone, and then went home. My friends and I carved pumpkins while Ex sat at the table and pouted. Not much fun.
The third Halloween, Ex and I were engaged. We dressed up as prisoners and went out dancing with some friends of mine. I had a good time and Ex seemed to enjoy himself. Who knows.
The first Halloween as a married couple, we dressed up as Morticia and Gomez...I was Gomez and Ex was Morticia. It was Ex's idea and I went along willingly. I bought Ex a long black wig and made him a black dress. I wore a black suit and painted on a little mustache. We went out, again, with friends of mine. Ex never had any friends to go out with, and, even though he didn't like my friends, preferred to go out with them rather than go out with just the two of us.
The last Halloween Ex and I were together was unremarkable. He was working in another state and had been for some time. We hadn't seen each other for a long time. The physical distance was nothing compared to the emotional distance between us. There was no happiness left in me. I was thoroughly scared of him and his mood swings. Trick or treat.
It's weird how holidays bring out the grieving over a loss.
ReplyDeleteI've always loved Halloween, in theory, but I've never really been very successful in translating that into having as good of a time as I wanted to. I have high expectations because I spent most of my childhood Halloweens sick, watching the zany Halloween specials of sitcoms.
When I was with Moneypenny, I usually dragged him to do something, but I knew he was just humoring me. He did dress up with me once though. He was a 50s greaser. Cuffed Jeans and a white tshirt. Cigarette packet rolled up in his sleeve.
The Halloween I was married and we were together, we went to a concert at the last mintue for a band that had been a big part of our relationship. It was probably one of the best Halloweens I've ever had. But then I spent the next Halloween zoned out on meds, camped out at TyRoy's while he was gone, after my husband left me.
Holidays suck.
I agree that holidays suck. Big time. Not one has passed that doesn't bring back bad memories. Thanksgiving was the worst because we always spent it with Ex's mom. More on that later.
DeleteI hope this Halloween is more fun for you!
I hope this Halloween is better, though I'm sure the memories will keep coming up until then (and after).
ReplyDeletePerhaps you can start a new tradition or go out with your friends since he won't be there and have a great time!
A new tradition is a great idea. Now I just have to think of one...
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