It doesn't really matter. What does matter? This: my husband never loved me and it is okay to be sad about that. Of all of the millions of tears I have shed over that man, I don't think I have ever cried about the fact that I was in hell and it was his fault. I've cried because I miss him, cried because he hurt me, cried because my happy ending is not to be - but never cried because I deserve to be sad about it.
Hard to type and cry at the same time...
Marriage to him was awful. He was a terrible husband who did terrible things. No one should have to put up with what I put up with. Could it have been worse? Of course. But that doesn't make what did happen matter any less.
Huge breakthrough for me. Huge.
I want to call and yell at him. Tell him what a ^)%(&^#$(&$(^(*&! he is. Ask him, rhetorically, of course, how he could manage to marry someone who loved him so much and then just throw her away like yesterday's garbage. I didn't deserve that. I am getting madder and madder. I want to call him. I don't think any good would come of it.
At least I finally, finally gave myself permission to be sad that he mistreated me so. Because he did.
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Don't make me talk to myself, yo.