Saturday, January 21, 2012

B is for Bathroom

                You may or may not know how difficult and uncomfortable it is to cry in a public bathroom. There are so many choices that have to be made. The hardest part is when you have different bathrooms to choose from. You should definitely pick the bathroom with the lowest traffic. Then you must carefully choose the stall. This is far more complicated than you may think.
              You either want the first stall or the one beside the handicapped stall. Studies have shown that the most used stall is the second stall, so taking the first stall means there is a high likelihood that you will have a lot of people go into the stall beside you. The benefit is people do not normally park there, if you know what I mean, so there are a lot of fast in-and-outs. No one will pay much attention to you.

             The stall beside the handicapped stall tends to be quieter, but people washing their hands have less on their minds and are more likely to see your feet and wonder why you are so quiet. Which stall you pick comes down to personal preference. These are just some basic guidelines so you don’t walk in cold and make a rash decision.

Now comes the third decision: stand, or sit? As an unpaid but still semi-professional bathroom crier, I will tell you that it depends on the situation. If you just need a minute to pull yourself together, definitely stand. If you are so depressed you can barely move (it happens more often than one would like to think), put toilet paper on the toilet seat and sit. Unless you are not a germ freak like me. Then feel free to sit on the seat with nothing on it. Just don’t let me know about it so I don’t get grossed out.
After you are done crying, your nose is blown, and you have decided the coast is clear, leave your stall and go to the sink farthest from the door. There will be less traffic, and if someone walks in, you can turn your head away. Washing your face will help a little, as will powdering your nose. Sadly, (this is all sad, who am I kidding?) no matter what you do, the odds are good that it will still be blatantly obvious that you have been crying.

That about wraps up all the tips I have for emergency crying in the bathroom.

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