Monday, July 21, 2014

J is for Jitters

I have the jitters. What a weird word. But a good one, since it fills two needs I have: to start a post with "J" and to describe my feelings of nervousness about my upcoming visit to see my family. My older sister, her husband, and my four nephews will be driving through my city to pick me up, and then we will stay at a hotel halfway, and then go to see my little sister, her husband, my three nieces, and my mom. Whew!
We haven't all been together for years. I miss my family. Ex hated my older sister and her husband, which is extremely ironic, considering the fact that they took his side and remained friends on Facebook with him until (I'm assuming) he dumped them once he met his new wife. "Who are these people, honey?" Explain that. I do wonder if Ex told her he had been married before. My guess is no. But that is another letter.
Why am I jittery? Well, mainly because my place in the family has always been the entertainer. I'm the funny one. I'm the one who laughs first and longest. I'm the happy one.
I'm not happy anymore. I'm just not. Happiness has flown from me like the spirit flies from the dead. It does not exist in this shell. So I'm jittery, because I don't want to let my family know how sad and dead I really am. I don't want to be fake and pretend like everything is okay, either. I don't know who to be anymore. I'm not the me I used to be.


  1. Makes sense. I also remember being the one who was "always happy". I remember being about three or four and my oldest sister showing my grandpa how I didn't know how to frown. They laughed because I couldn't do it.

    It was terrifying when I had to go home that first Christmas after my breakdown and be not okay. I didn't do a very good job of it, but I had a lot of support from my middle sister.

    While you're visiting, try to find quiet places. Try to find time to just be. Try to remember that even if some people have expectations for how you are supposed to be, others love you just because you're you.

    - J

    1. The other side of the problem, though, is that I am incredibly lonely. Take now, for instance - there are five people having a loud conversation downstairs. Talking and laughing and having a great time, from the sounds of it.

      Where am I? Upstairs, alone in my office. I do work most of the time, despite being on here... And then I go home and am alone again. Alone, alone, alone. I think it is a no-win situation.

      I appreciate the family who loves me for me. That's the one person I feel comfortable around. But she will be working most of the time and I don't want to spend my "family time" alone. It sucks.

  2. I hope you were able to forget about things for a while and just enjoy your family.

    1. Hasn't happened yet. I leave on Saturday. The worst part will be leaving my dogs. They are my support system.


Don't make me talk to myself, yo.

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