Thursday, June 26, 2014

Z is for Zilch

It is a funny-looking word: zilch. It also sounds funny: zilch. If one could feel it, one would expect it to feel funny. It's not. It is the opposite of funny. To feel zilch is to feel empty, alone, and desolate. Hopeless. I would say bland, but that word isn't strong enough to convey the absolute blankness of zilch.
I couldn't get up again today. I didn't go to therapy group last night and I barely made it in to work by 10:15 today. That is the latest I have ever been. I try to get here by 8:00. Ha! I usually make it by 9:30. I hate it here. I comfort myself by looking for a new job, but I know that I really, really, really need to keep this job right now. No, I'm not doing anything worthwhile. No, my job does not matter. No, I do not enjoy this job. But no, it does not matter if I am late. What am I saying - I can't be late when I have no set hours. Late does not exist in this job, therefore, I must stay until I can gather up enough inner strength to get out of bed at a reasonable, regular time every day.

I woke up at 5:30 this morning so I could meet a friend for spinning class. I didn't make it. This is not the first time I have not made it. I am lucky she is still my friend. I hate being undependable, but most mornings, my ability to function is zilch. All I can do is lie there and stare at the ceiling and wish I had died in my sleep. The thought of another, long, lonely, boring, endless, stupid day is too much.
My psychiatrist is gradually putting me back on a truckload of medication and I am complying, because, at this point, I either need to have help or just give up and die. So far, the medication is not helping. I also have an appointment with an energy healer. If someone would have told me that I would be seeking help from an energy healer, I would have died laughing. I don't believe in that sort of thing. But it's worth a shot. Zilch sucks. Zilch is all I am right now. Zilch is not a long-term option. Hi, I'm Marcy, and I am zilch.


  1. Hi, I am glad you made it out of bed:-) I still struggle to get out of bed in the morning. Once I am up I push myself. I am on medication now because I was suicidal in the beginning. It has helped. Everything is not rosy but I no longer have those dreadful feelings. The day I found out I was being thrown away my skin literally began to burn and has not stopped. I guess it my own personal form of anxiety reaction.
    Keep going to spin class. You will gradually come to love it again. For me it was Zumba. Even when I was in a fog I would go through the motions, tears rolling down my cheeks. Now I look so forward to the workout each week. It was one of the many things that kept me going in the beginning and today.
    Hang in there,
    Your sister in divorce pain.

    1. I have been wanting to try Zumba, but it seems too motivated somehow. I have been going to yoga class on Fridays again, and need to go to spin classes. They have them three times a week, and the goal was to go, but you know how goals go...

      I'm sorry your skin is burning. That sounds terrible. For me, it is chest pain and a headache. I guess the body has its own way of screaming. Thanks for taking the time to write. I'm home on my couch with my dogs now, so things are okay for the evening. I hope you have a good night.

    2. I love yoga - I find myself so centred after a good yoga class. Not much time for it now. Hopefully a new job will come along soon for you!

    3. Zumba helps me too. And cycling. Being out in the open and travelling somewhere - I suppose it literally gives you some direction. I hope you feel much, much better soon. x

    4. Maybe I should give Zumba a shot, then...

      Thanks for the support, guys.

  2. Hi--Just wanted to respond that you are not alone--I've been in zilch and can relate to how much it sucks. :( I'm so sorry you are going through this. <3

    p.s. (tried commenting, so if this is a duplicate, please let me know!)

    1. I hope you are no longer in zilch. It is not a place to park, that's for sure. Thanks for commenting. It means a lot.


Don't make me talk to myself, yo.

Relationships blog Relationships blog Top  blogs