Tuesday, July 31, 2012

A is for Ache

I just found out that an acquaintance of mine is leaving her husband because he cheated on her. They have a baby that is only six months old. It makes me sick. The way I found out was that she changed her facebook status from "married" to "single". Then a long discussion ensued.

Is this really the way things happen now? Someone cheats, hearts are broken, facebook tells all? Really?
Should I have posted my heartache on facebook, too? Should I post my current status as "still broken-hearted and still in therapy with no end in sight"?

Her change in relationship status makes my broken heart weep. Why did he do that? In this case, I know the husband more than the wife. I worked with him a few years ago. He was a nice guy who was madly in love with his then-girlfriend. What happened?

My heart is far from healed. I must protect it from harm. I don't watch the news because it is all bad, I don't talk to my mom much because she always has negative things to tell me, and now I guess facebook is a danger zone, as well.
It wasn't the first bad news I read on there, but this one hit right where it hurts. I've learned of other breakups through facebook, but this one hurts more than the others. I think because these two were so in love. They just had a beautiful baby. A happy little family, broken before it had a chance to grow.
It shouldn't be affecting me this much. My heart is aching like crazy. Tears well up and refuse to fall. Why do people mess up their lives so badly?

Friday, July 27, 2012

Z is for Zeke

Zeke wasn't really Ex's cat's name, but all names had to be changed to protect the innocent, even the animals involved, so Zeke it is. Ex adopted Zeke a few months after we met. He actually adopted two cats, but the other one beat up poor Zeke, who was declawed. Ex took the other one back and kept Zeke.

He was the a very sweet cat who loved to jump up on my lap and be petted. He hated being picked up, though, which was something Ex did all the time. Ex was constantly picking him up and carrying poor Zeke around while he squirmed, trying to get down. Zeke just wanted to be left alone so he could sleep.
After we got married, one of Ex's favorite things to do was to bring Zeke to bed and put him between us. Ex would hold Zeke in his arms and go to sleep or just put a hand on him so he couldn't escape and use him as a blockade. Sad that I was so jealous of a cat.
When I left, Ex was out of town but coming home that evening, so I just made sure that Zeke had plenty of water and food and a clean litter box. One of my biggest regrets is leaving that poor cat. Ex never took care of him, and I have no idea if he even kept Zeke. I have a sneaking suspicion that he took Zeke back to the pound. I really hope not. I should have taken him. Sorry, Zeke. Really sorry.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Y is for Year

June 16, 2012 - I left Ex three years ago for two weeks because I was too scared to go home.

June 25, 2012 - Ex turned 37 years old.

July 19, 2012  - Should have been our fourth anniversary.

July 29, 2012 - Our divorce has been final exactly two years.

August 14, 2012 - It has been four years since our honeymoon.

This time of year is hard for me. A lot went down between June 16 and August 14. I was thinking it was only one month until now, because, as I am typing, it is clearly two, not one, month. I think that last sentence wins the prize for shortest sentence to contain five commas...
It has been hard lately. I have been told to be nice to myself and give myself a bit of a break because of all the anniversaries that are happening. But I am my own worst enemy. I am not nice to myself. Not at all. No one (okay, no one except for my dad and Ex) have ever said anything as horrible as I say to myself. I feel I should be improving and working on things and becoming a stronger, better person. Instead, I come home from work and do nothing. And I do mean nothing.

Look how many years have passed! When will I get over this? How long will the pain be so sharp?

This time of year is not good for me. It has been five days since my anniversary. It is five days until the anniversary of my divorce.

I want to cry.

Monday, July 16, 2012

X is for Xeranthemum annuum

...and Xeranthemum annuum is a "mostly widely cultivated species of everlasting flowers having usually purple flowers (dictionary.com)". Just in case you, like me, had no idea what that meant.

It was a plant in the botanical gardens that Ex and I went to in his home state. We had flown in and then my mom drove down to meet Ex's mom. That trip was idyllic. We went to the Grand Canyon, the boatnaical gardens, hiked several mountains and deserts, and spent hot afternoons in air-conditioned museums. Our moms hit it off and we had a great time.
Every visit after that was horrid. You see, that was the only time we went to visit his mom before we got married. Then, once we got married, he didn't like me anymore. Some of our worst times were at his mom's house, since he had a lot of unresolved anger towards her that he liked to take out on me.
I'll tell you more of those stories later. This is just a short story about a pretty little purple flower we saw at the botanical gardens way back when Ex still treated me like a human being.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

W is for Wedding

Our wedding was beautiful. It was at the local arboretum in their small, stone amphitheater by the lake. My uncle sat on a stone near the top and softly played his guitar while the guests arrived. The sudden heat wave broke and there was a light breeze and just enough cloud cover to keep everyone comfortable. It could not have been a more perfect day.
The reception went very well, also. The decorations were lake-themed with goldfish in bowls with tiny lake pebbles and cattails. The cake (which I decorated the night before) looked great, and the chocolate fountain I had borrowed from a friend was a huge hit.
The Italian restaurant that catered came through in a big way, and everyone had plenty of good pasta to eat. After eating, Ex and I cut the cake and served the guests, creating another opportunity to talk to everyone. It was perfect.

My friend is planning her wedding and she asked what the most stressful part of mine was. I told her the truth - wondering if the groom would show up. If only he hadn't.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

V is for Velocity

Ex was a civil engineer. He often told me that he barely graduated and that it was the hardest thing he had ever done. I was always supportive and congratulatory, because I think that getting an engineering degree is no small feat. Keeping an engineering job, apparently, is much harder, but that is another story.
The first fall we were married, I took a physics class. Ex told me physics was his strongest subject and that he could help me with my homework, which I totally took him up on. Turns out, he couldn't even do the simplest velocity homework at the beginning of the class.
I only asked him for help once because he got so mad that he couldn't do it. He didn't speak to me for about a week afterwards.
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