Thursday, November 29, 2012

H is for Heat

My new (-ish) apartment has electric heat. I've never had a heater with no thermostat before and it is taking me a few tries to get the temperature right. One night, it was a bit warm so I turned it off and went to bed. Woke up sweating with my poor dogs panting. I had accidentally turned it all the way up instead of off. Oops.
Sleeping in a non-freezing environment is not a luxury I had when married. On the very rare nights when he was feeling nice, Ex would let me curl up beside him and his heat kept me nice and warm. On every other night, though, he would cocoon himself in all of the blankets, leaving me with nothing.
I quickly learned to keep a blanket beside the bed to use after Ex took all the blankets, although I would inevitably wake during the night, freezing, only to see that Ex had taken my spare blanket, too. I never even mentioned it to him. Wasn't worth the days of punishing silence that would have earned me. I preferred to freeze.

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

G is for Grades

My grades are not so good. To stay in professional school, one must maintain a lowly 2.5 GPA. Not to brag, but my science GPA was 3.7 from undergrad. I did pretty well.

Then I got divorced, my world fell apart, and my brain suffered. I took a year off of school and started back in August 2012, thinking I would be ready to go, brain in head. Not so much. I'm hanging on the brink of the 2.5 again.
This is my last chance. If I don't do really well on the next eight tests in the next two weeks, my dream is over. I don't know what I will do. I really don't.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

F is for Foreclosure

I snooped again. Ex is a bad habit I can't seem to break. I googled his address and found out that the house went into foreclosure of January, 2012.
Ex isn't the type to get too upset about things like that. I would not be surprised if he just stopped paying on purpose so the bank would take it off of his hands. It was worth a lot less than he owed.

There were very few good times in that house and a lot of bad ones. A lot. I don't much feel like talking about them right now...

Sunday, November 18, 2012

E is for Exercise

So, I finally went mountain biking today. It was awesome! I had so much fun. I've been scared to go because mountain biking is something I did with Ex. He is the one who taught me that a nice bike makes all the difference in the world. He is the one who showed me that single track is amazing. Ex is the one who would always lead because if I was in front, I would go to fast and he would fall behind.
Ex is the one who would stop right at the apex of the incline, forcing me to stop while still trying to get up the hill. Then he would yell at me for not making it all the way up the hill. Um, you're in the way, fool. Not that I would have ever dared to say something like that. No way.

Anyway, I would have to say that today was one of the best biking days I have had. It was a cool, crisp day, so I was warm but not hot in my long-sleeved biking shirt. There were enough people out to make it safe (if I crashed, someone would come by eventually)  but not so many that it was crowded.
It was just me, my bike, the trees and the rocks. Great day. I  must remember that exercise is my friend.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

D is for Down

I'm feeling down today. No, I don't mean goose down, I mean sad down. I have felt like crying for the past few days but nothing comes out. At first, I didn't know why I was sad, but I've figured that out...

My mom is probably moving to my little sister's state, which is eleven hours away. My mom is retiring the end of December and it is no coincidence that my little sister is expecting her first baby. When? At the end of December.
My mom currently lives three hours away in the house in which I grew up. She lives in the same town as my older sister (who dutifully never moved away from her hometown) and four grandsons. My mom spends a lot of time with them and they go over to house all the time.

I think my older sister will be (and has more right to be) more upset than I am. So there will be drama, which I abhor, ending with my mom leaving in a huff and my older sister hurt. My little sister is not too thrilled, either.
So nobody wins except for my mom. Which means it will happen, because all my mom thinks about is her own feelings. I remember trying to have a heart-to-heart with her once about some doubts about Ex I was having before we got married. She wasn't interested in the conversation because it wasn't about her. Or good gossip. She loves that, too.

Contrary to what you may think after reading this, I do love my mother. The problem is, I'm just now coming to terms with the fact that she was equally if not more responsible than my dad for my issues. I haven't had time to deal with all of that yet.
And yes, I still miss Ex.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

C is for Call

10:44 PM - trying to sleep. Started thinking about the things I am reprocessing in therapy. What am I working on right now? Read "N is for No" if you care.
It doesn't really matter. What does matter? This: my husband never loved me and it is okay to be sad about that. Of all of the millions of tears I have shed over that man, I don't think I have ever cried about the fact that I was in hell and it was his fault. I've cried because I miss him, cried because he hurt me, cried because my happy ending is not to be - but never cried because I deserve to be sad about it.

Hard to type and cry at the same time...
Marriage to him was awful. He was a terrible husband who did terrible things. No one should have to put up with what I put up with. Could it have been worse? Of course. But that doesn't make what did happen matter any less.

Huge breakthrough for me. Huge.

I want to call and yell at him. Tell him what a ^)%(&^#$(&$(^(*&! he is. Ask him, rhetorically, of course, how he could manage to marry someone who loved him so much and then just throw her away like yesterday's garbage. I didn't deserve that. I am getting madder and madder. I want to call him. I don't think any good would come of it.
At least I finally, finally gave myself permission to be sad that he mistreated me so. Because he did.

B is for Birthday

On my very first birthday as Ex's girlfriend, we had plans to go out to dinner and a movie. I had to work eleven hours that day, so we thought a nice, quiet evening would be perfect. At work, I saw that Ex had called, so I called him back on my break. He told me that a friend of his (who lived less than two hours away) was going to be in town for the weekend and that he and Ex were going out that night but that I was welcome to "come with".

Excuse me?

I got upset and went to dinner with a friend instead. Ex went out with his friend because he was a total ass. You would think little things like that would have been a sign. Red flag, but not red enough, I guess. 

I think the reason I put up with stuff like that is because I am used to being last on the list. My birthday was Saturday and none of my family called me. My mom did send me a text message, which was actually worse than forgetting me. She thinks texts are rude and dismissive and not worth anything. She hates texts. So she sends me a happy birthday text. I sent her one back.

For everything.
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