Friday, May 30, 2014

N is for Nobody

They spoil you at the therapy group I've been going to. They have "Coaching Calls" so you can call your therapist if you are in crisis, or need clarification on a skill. Mine texts, mostly. It has been nice to have someone there just in case you need someone to hear you. Someone who cares. Someone who will listen. I got used to that. Got used to having a person I could call and talk to, who would give me advice on what skills to use and how to get through the bad moments.
Now I have nobody. My therapist told me she isn't helping and maybe I should find someone who can. Here's how you say that in a nice way: "I think we should find you some additional resources. I'll help you find someone who can help us." Here's how my therapist said it: "I'm not able to help you. Maybe it's time for you to find someone else."

Which would you rather hear? Nobody would pick the latter. Nobody. I was so close to going to the hospital last night. But it was too much work. I made a list of everything I would have to do, and it was so overwhelming that I just went to bed instead. Took the anti-depressants my psychiatrist prescribed a month ago and could barely get out of bed this morning. I didn't get to work until 11:00 and the little bitch downstairs called my boss, who is out of town on business, and told him I didn't look well. I'm not well. I just want my body to die along with my soul. Is that too much to ask?
I want to call my therapist and cry. But now I have nobody. I don't know if I can work up the energy to find someone new. I think I can't. I know I don't want to. I mean, no, I'm not well. No, my therapist has not magically healed me. But I thought we were doing all right. Apparently not. Oh, well. This is not the first therapist I've scared off. I hope it's the last. And not because I find one that won't leave me. Nobody wants this on their hands. Nobody.


Don't make me talk to myself, yo.

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