Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Y is for Yesterday

Yesterday, I cried for about two hours. I spent one of those hours crying in my therapist's office, half an hour crying in the car outside her office, and another half hour crying at home. Today, my eyes are puffy and my cheeks are still red. I look ridiculous.
Yesterday, I came face-to-face with the realization that no matter what I do, nothing will change. No matter how hard or long I cry, my mother will never love me. No matter how long I weep, Ex will never magically come back and the past will never change. My husband didn't love me and never will. No matter how many tissues I soak through, I will never matter on this planet. I could go to therapy the rest of my life, and the only thing that will change is my perspective. I could learn to not care that no one loves me. Learn to accept that there is no happy ending for me. Learn that my dogs are the only beings to whom my existence makes a difference.
Yesterday was rough. Somehow, I managed to come to work today. I do not matter here, either. I'm processing progress notes from May 2013. They have been sitting in a pile for over a year. Yesterday, I processed over 200 notes, and today, I am sitting here playing games on Facebook. It does not matter that I am here. I could go home and it would not make a difference. I could leave and never come back and it would not matter.

Yesterday, I realized that nothing I do matters. What is it that keeps me here? What keeps me going? I don't have an answer to that question.


  1. You're too focused on external validation. What everyone else thinks (your ex, your mother) - doesn't matter. You matter. You are an incredibly talented, intelligent, introspective woman. I respect you a great deal. You should too.

  2. Oh my! Yes you do matter!!! You matter to God. You matter to me. I know your pain. I too have been through,and am still going through it. The only way I survive then and now is to lean heavily on my faith and stay busy with my friends. My soon to be X never liked the friendships I tried to develop when he was here. When he left me I reached out to old friends and they reached back. Try reaching out and most of all give all the pain, fear, confusion, loneliness to God and he will help you carry it. Still not easy but it does help. In the early days I would find one scripture and hold unto it and repeat it many times throughout the day.
    "God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble"
    Psalm 46:1
    Don't give up!
    I have a dog too. Unconditional love:-)
    Praying for you,

  3. Sorry I'm a little late to the party but you matter to me. I know I'm one of the few ppl who know you IRL & get to read your blog but my life would be less bright & fun without you in it. I know I am kinda a hermit myself but we've had lots of fun times & shared confidences. It makes me smile everytime "Yo" comes across my text or you tell me about your latest conquest or we go to a movie.
    It's true that nothing you do can change those things but change of perspective can change things in the future and I have to believe that the future can be better.

    1. Thanks, yo. :)

      I think my word is catching on. We have had some very good times and I trust you. Here's hoping the future is better.


Don't make me talk to myself, yo.

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