I is for Insomnia

It's back.

I have struggled with insomnia my entire life, but had a brief respite the last few months. I was given a magical little pill called Ambien, and then was taken off of it, but was still able to sleep. I hoped insomnia was a thing of the past. Nope.
                            
Sometimes I wonder if it is that I cannot sleep or if I do not want to sleep. When things are really bothering me, I have crazy, scary dreams, and I don't want to go to sleep when I know they are coming. I know I've told you about the waves before - how they start out as just slightly odd dreams and then get progressively worse until I wake up screaming. That's fun.

I'm really tired tonight. Last night, I stayed up until 4:00 a.m. and then, even after turning out the light, laid there awake for a long time. I don't look at the clock once lights are out. It's too depressing. I really want to go to sleep, but the dreams I had last night were slightly odd. The wave is starting.
                                    
When I was with Ex, I would lie awake and listen to him breathe and it would comfort me. It was nice knowing that he was sleeping peacefully, and I would lie there and wonder what he was dreaming about. I would think of names for our future children until I drifted off to sleep. Simon and Sophie. Cute, right? Now I lie in bed and try to focus on my own breathing. It gets scary in my head. No one wants to be in my head.

I don't know if I can call it insomnia when I know I could easily fall asleep if I would just allow myself to do so. I just don't want to. I'm scared.