T is for Today

My week has not been a good one. It started out with the therapy session described in "S is for Skin" and went downhill from there. School started on Monday, and in my first class, we were told to interview a person the teacher selected, and then write an introduction of that person, based on a fake and secret bias that the teacher handed everyone. On Wednesday, the guy who interviewed me volunteered to read his introduction about me.

His secret bias was, "You feel intellectually superior to the person you are interviewing." This guy took it all the way. He made fun of my green apple sunglasses. He said it was hard to take me seriously as I "gabbed on and on about aliens." (Um, he asked me if I believed in aliens, and I said not really, but I was open to the idea.) He said I had gone to dental school and it "didn't work out." He said I was still trying to get a degree after all of these years. Ouch. Ouch. And ouch.
                           
Could he have made me sound like a bigger loser? Yes, he could. When asked where I would like to travel, I said Belize. When asked why, I said, "Because a dude I know has been talking about it and it sounds like a great place to visit." That became: "She said she wants to follow a dude she knows to Belize."

Most of what he said was true. (Although I DO have my undergraduate degree - IN CHEMISTRY, you stupid film major.) But now, on top of horrid flashbacks from Monday's therapy session, I have the added stress of this asshole displaying my lack of success not only to the entire class, but more importantly, to me.

Is this what people think of me but are usually too nice to say? Does everyone think (know) that I am the Biggest Loser?
                                
Last night, I went out drinking with some friends. I have never gotten so drunk in my life. We went to a bar and then the casino that is a block from my house. Somehow, I ended up in the third-floor bathroom, nearly passed out, when my friend found me. They had to get a wheelchair to get me out. I couldn't stand up. I didn't care. I was laughing. Once they got me home and on the couch (I convinced them not to carry me up the stairs), I started crying. They took good care of me. I am lucky to have such good friends.

Today, I felt horrible. I threw up quite a few more times. I have a painful spot on my forehead, and my friend told me I hit my head "a few times." I am not surprised. Today, I talked to both of the friends who brought me home, and they both were concerned but not upset. They thought it was kind of funny. It was. But not really.
                 
Today has been the first day since Monday that I have not gotten drunk. I want to drink but still feel really ill. I am left struggling un-fortified with alcohol to help numb the pain in my head. Not pain that can be eased by aspirin. Pain from years of abuse, years of neglect, years of loneliness, years of self-doubt, years of feeling lost, years of feeling useless. What can you take to get rid of that pain? Anybody?