Nine questions I would like to know the answers to:
1)
Is he married again?
2)
Does he have any kids yet? (Please tell me no…)
3)
Is he in town or did he move again?
4)
Why do I care?
5)
Why did he lie all the time even when the truth was sometimes
better than the lie?
6)
Why did he hate me so much?
7) Is it obvious to others that I am still walking around in a black fog, even though I can force a smile?
8)
Does he lie awake at
night and wonder what I am doing?
9) How long am I going to lie awake at night and wonder what he is doing?
I can give you what my answers are for those questions, though that doesn't mean they are universal.
ReplyDelete1-3 I obviously don't know about your ex, but I know the answer for my ex: yes (why I rushed the divorce for him), step-kids, yes though I still won't go to the town he lived in for almost anything. 4 I try to tell myself that I care because I'm just a naturally curious person and hope he's doing well. But that's not all of it. I'm human and sometimes, especially when I'm not happy or wish I had a significant other/kids/etc, I'm petty and hope he's miserable.
5 I wish I had an answer for that in my situation as well. I think some people just don't know any other way. I think some people try to tell you what they think you want to hear, what has the least risk of making you upset or hurting you or of them losing something. Though I find it really difficult, I keep trying to tell myself that there are things I will never know or understand and I have to radically accept that.
6 When you can't get what you want, I think it's easier to hate than it is to put in the work to change it or to be empathetic/sympathetic/radically accept the reasons you can't get what you want.
7 I didn't know you before or during your marriage, so I can't really compare, but I have seen a big difference, a coming out, a brightening. But I think a person should work until they feel out of the fog, not until no one else notices. I can put on a great face, but that doesn't mean I'm ok.
8 I don't think whether or not he thinks about is relevant or something you will ever know. I think we wish that our exes did but we'll probably never know. And if mine told me he did, I wouldn't believe him. I'd probably just think he wanted something out of me, which is probably partially true.
9 As cliched as this sounds, I think you will either until you process it and feel closure on it and/or until you fall and lose that relationship again. Goodluck