Sunday, September 30, 2012

L is for LifeSavers

When I was a little kid, I choked on a LifeSaver and my mom told me she thought I was going to die. Some days I wish I would have. I think about everything in everyone's lives that would be different had I not survived that incident, and I don't think there would have been a damaging impact on anyone.
Would Ex have found someone else to marry? Has he now, even though I didn't die? I sometimes wish I would choke on something and die now, even though life isn't that bad anymore. I'm back in school and doing fairly well. I have dinner with friends about once a week. My family is all healthy and getting along. I'm still in therapy (will I ever be done?) and that is moving along as it should. My dogs are both healthy, happy, and currently sleeping on the couch beside me while I write this.

So why the death wish? Now don't get me wrong - I AM NOT suicidal. I just don't particularly want to be alive anymore. Haven't for a very, very (very) long time. Sometime at the beginning of my nightmare of a marriage is when I stopped wanting to live. There is just no zest for life left in me. 
Maybe I used it all up. Maybe I accidentally starved it do death. Maybe I threw it up. Maybe Ex took mine since he didn't have any. Maybe it is just hibernating. Maybe I should go buy some LifeSavers.

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Don't make me talk to myself, yo.

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