Sunday, October 14, 2012

U is for Unavailable

It is 3:53 AM. I suppose I should be glad that it is Saturday night. Sunday morning, to be more exact. Great. Look at me, looking on the bright side. Again I say, great.
Why am I awake at this time of night? I used to go out and come home around this time when the bars closed at 3:00. But I went to bed at 10:30 after spending the evening studying. Which means I was asleep and just woke up.

To a nightmare.

The kind of therapy I am in is intense. It is called EMDR and, basically, I relive past traumas. My therapist, supposedly, is available 24-7 in case of nights such as these. Nights when the nightmares are so horrible that I can't stop actively thinking about something else, because the second I stop actively engaging my brain, the nightmare comes storming back in.
Trust me, it's not the kind of thing someone should live through even once, much less alone at 3:58 in the morning.

Under normal (how can this be normal?) circumstances, I would call my therapist. I have never called her at any time even close to this. But then again, I've never had nightmares this horrible before. I would totally call her if I could. I really wish I could.

But she is unavailable. She left. She moved to another state. My last appointment with her was Thursday. My appointment with my new therapist is Monday. Not much gap. Funny how my brain knows there is no one to whom I can reach out right now.

My brain is laughing while I struggle to stay engaged in being awake and not thinking about anything in that dream. It is so hard to go from having someone who is always available to being without anyone. Doesn't really matter what time it is; my therapist left and is permanently unavailable.

I'll not be sleeping anymore tonight.

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Don't make me talk to myself, yo.

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