Wednesday, November 6, 2013

F is for Fear

I had a really bad dream last night. It was Christmas day, and my whole family was in my mom's old house. I went downstairs and saw Ex sitting at the kitchen table with my relatives. A cold knot of fear formed in my stomach.
I only remember bits and pieces of the dream. I remember that my little sister (who, in the dream, was a child again) had let Ex in because she didn't know what else to do. I remember asking my mom for permission to ask Ex to leave. I remember the fear freezing my insides as I waited for her to tell me that no, I couldn't tell him to go. But she said okay.
I remember telling Ex that he was not welcome in our home, and the cold feeling of fear from just talking to him again. I remember wondering if he knew what my path had been since leaving him, and felt embarrassed that I had fallen so far. I remember hiding in fear as Ex waited for his ride, which turned out to be a family (not his relatives) in a pontoon boat.  
Will I ever talk to Ex again? Will I run into him at a relative's house? I'm afraid that my family would welcome him in. I really think they would. The holidays are coming up and I am afraid.

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Don't make me talk to myself, yo.

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