Friday, December 20, 2013

V is for Voltaire

"Tears are the silent language of grief." ~Voltaire

I have been crying a lot lately. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. I wake up crying in the middle of the night. I wake up in the morning and want to cry but have to make myself numb so I can get through the day. On a great note, though: I don't miss Ex anymore. I still think about him often and wonder what he is up to, but I think I am FINALLY teetering towards the anger portion of grief. Here's hoping, anyway.

"Man is free at the moment he wishes to be." ~Voltaire

I don't agree, dude. Or do I... Do I really want to be free of Ex and all of the pain he put me through, or do I want to continue to wallow in sorrow and say "Poor me"? I like to think I want to be free but I don't think I really do. Maybe that is the breakthrough I have been working towards in therapy. Nah, I already knew I didn't really want to get better. I feel that I deserve to be miserable. I don't deserve happiness and love. So I guess I do agree. Bummer.

"My life is a struggle." ~Voltaire

Getting up in the morning is the hardest thing I do every day, because in getting up, it means I am going to have to face my life. Some days, I am lucky enough to have the morning free, and on those days I just take care of my dogs and then we all go back to bed. Which means, of course, that I just have to get up again, but it seems like a good idea at the time. Oh, Ex, the power I have given you is ridiculous.

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Don't make me talk to myself, yo.

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