Wednesday, February 19, 2014

S is for Scared

So, I'm packing for my big move on March 1st. I have nine days to finish and I'm not doing very well. Ever since moving out of Ex's house, packing has been incredibly difficult. I have moved a lot in my lifetime, and never had a bit of trouble before Ex. When he helped me move out of my house and into his, it seemed to be the easiest task in the world. Then I had to pack and sort mine and his and it was the worst task in the world.
I've moved twice since then. This will be my third move. The first time, I moved out of a two-bedroom apartment into a very small one-bedroom that was close to dental school. Um, THAT didn't work out, so when they kicked me out of school for the second time, I moved again. I currently live in a want-to-be slumlord's tiny house with a huge backyard. I chose it because I could afford it and my dogs have a huge backyard to play in, but the place is a mess and I cannot wait to get out.

I've lived in this dump for a year. Here's what's in the backyard: six broken lawnmowers, a pile of sticks, a pile of lumber, a broken refrigerator, two ladders, and various other crap. The pipes freeze, the drains don't drain, the siding on the back of the house is torn off, and the screen door doesn't shut. But I'm scared to move. I feel that all I deserve is this dump. I'll be honest - the inside of the house isn't much better. To say I don't clean often would be the understatement of the year.
My new house is a huge project. It was built in 1920 and the lady who sold it to me has lived there for 30 years. It needs a lot of updating and love, but I'm really excited about moving. So why do I need sympathy? Why do I need a shoulder to cry on? Why am I scared out of my wits?

Things have not exactly been going my way lately. Buying this house and moving is a huge step in a positive direction and I'm scared to death that it will blow up in my face. I'm scared to move up in the world. I'm scared to try again. I'm scared I won't make it. Again.

I'm finding it hard to breathe.

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Don't make me talk to myself, yo.

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