D is for Death

My friend from therapy group just texted and told me she lost two friends this week. "Lost as in they died, or lost as in they aren't your friends anymore?" Lost as in they died. Damn it.

It is horrible when a friend dies, not that I have been unfortunate enough for a close friend to die. I have had some close acquaintances die, but no one I regularly hang out with. The worst funeral I ever went to was when two little girls died in a car accident. The funerals were held together, which was really fitting. The girls were inseparable in life and had gone to a huge, exciting event. On the ride home, a semi crossed the highway and hit them head-on in the middle of the night. It was awful. Everyone was so sad.  They were great little kids. I think they were twelve. I called them "The Amy's" because they even had the same name. (I did change their name here.) I still miss seeing them around and it has been over ten years. Why am I writing about this now? Why am I crying again?

                                  

I hate death. I always wonder if it is easier to lose a husband by death or by divorce. I think divorce is worse, because it means that person chose to leave. There is no choice in death, unless it is suicide, in which case I think that is the worst. I know my world would have been shaken if Ex had died, but would I have spiraled down into this pit of depression, or would I have just mourned and then been sad but okay?

The accountant at my new job had a funeral to go to last week. An ex of hers had committed suicide. She was numb the first day and then got violently ill the second and ended up not going to the funeral. She was too upset. I don't know how close they had been, but I know it shocked her.

I don't wish Ex was dead. I do hope he's being nice to his new wife. I hope she doesn't wish he was dead.