I never learn. I trust. Why? Everyone in my life has let me down and then someone else comes along and talks the good talk and acts like they care, and I want so badly to believe that someone cares that I just fall for it. Every time.
I should know by now that no one understands, for one thing. I don't blame people for not understanding. How many people really understand what it is to be married to a sociopath? Sure, you may have a tough marriage, but to a sociopath? Add that element and then tell me you get it. I want to be saved from my hell, so I work really hard at trusting someone, and then BOOM. Let down.
Will I ever learn that no one really cares? No one ever will? Some think they do, but when it comes right down to it, they don't. I'm just a challenge or experiment or something with whom to pass the time. People tell me I'm smart, but why do I keep proving them wrong? When will it sink in that I am truly destined to die alone? There will never be anyone on my side. Learn that. Learn it. Please, stop torturing yourself and learn this lesson so you stop trying and failing and getting hurt again.
I thought the therapist at dental school really cared. The second they kicked me out, BOOM, the emails stopped. She was just good at her job, which ended when my dental career ended, so I wasn't her problem anymore. I thought my therapist now cared. She might, but she doesn't get me at all. She doesn't understand, after all this time.
I feel so alone. I'm trying to find a home for my little dog. It's hard. She pees on the floor (she's potty trained, but sometimes my princess doesn't feel like going outside) and she doesn't like other dogs (She tolerates Robbie because she has to and he's bigger than she is and he's also a wuss and lets her be the boss.) She's getting pretty old. Losing her hearing. Pretty sad that I want my beloved little Woofie to die so I can move on. Robbie will be easy to find a home for. He'll be fine. It's only Woofie that I can't leave. Damn it all.
I care.
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