Friday, June 6, 2014

R is for Reason

Today was "my" dental school class's White Coat ceremony. Each student gets a white coat, symbolizing their transition into the dental profession. They will start seeing a regular roster of patients next week. Their families gathered to celebrate this huge accomplishment with them. The White Coat ceremony is a great reason to celebrate. It is a big deal.

Last Saturday was the graduation of the class of 2014. They are now full-fledged dentists, with real jobs in the real world, helping real patients. What a great reason to be proud of one's accomplishments. It is a big deal.
I was in both of those classes and flunked out twice. Now I put post-it notes on errors that need to be corrected on progress notes so the therapists don't have to give back money in case of an audit. The most common errors are a mix-up of Medicaid numbers, misspelled names, or a male being referred to as a "her." This happens far more than you would think. The reason I was hired was to fix stupid little mistakes that shouldn't have been made in the first place. It is not a big deal. It is so insignificant, I could be sleeping up here and no one would notice for about three weeks.
Today is my weekly revenue tracking day. Meaning, I am working on a 36-page spreadsheet so the owner of the company can see how much money she lost when therapists cancelled appointments. This is the reason for my existence today. Also not a big deal.

My life is meaningless. Sure, I work for a mental health agency. Sure, that should give me some job satisfaction. Nope. Everything I do is connected with money, and if you read my "P is for Proud" post, you know I am not motivated by money. If I'm not motivated by money for myself, I am most definitely not fulfilled by money for someone else.
I have a headache. I watched the White Coat ceremony via live streaming, because I wanted to be able to tell my friends from class that I saw them. I like to be supportive. Today, that support was at a very high cost to me. I think it was too high. I don't think I should have watched it. It hurt. A lot.

I had better get back to tracking someone else's money. I need to find a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I need to find a reason to care. I need to find a reason to live. This isn't it. Is there any good reason? I don't think so.


  1. I remember being in a similar spot. I couldn't find a good reason to live. My dog was the only reason for a while. Things definitely got better for me, but I don't know how to tell you to get through this horrible part. My way out was meeting my husband, and telling you to go out and find your own would be a really jerky thing to do. Don't give up. Please.


    1. Thanks for the laugh. I really did laugh at this. You are correct: telling me to go find a husband would be pretty mean. Also, not that helpful, considering the reason I write this blog is my poor choice in husbands.

      A friend was trying to set me up with a guy she knows. I said, "Does he have a place to live?"
      "Does he have a job?"
      "Does he have a car?"
      Me: "Then he is not my type."
      Ha! (Sad, but true.)

    2. LOL Marcy. You need to find a new type. ;)

      Glad you had the courage to watch it anyway. Maybe it's time to mix it up and have a career change?

    3. I've been looking for a new job, but this one lets me set my own hours, which is priceless on the days when I just can't get out of bed. I don't think I would be able to make it at a 9 - 5 job just yet.


Don't make me talk to myself, yo.

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