Wednesday, July 9, 2014

F is for Floor

I find myself drawn to the floor again lately. I do not think this is a good sign. Right after Ex kicked me out, I would sleep on the hardwood floor in front of my couch with a blanket and sometimes a pillow. Usually, Little Woof would steal the pillow during the night and be curled up on it while I woke with a cramp in my neck. Or she would sleep on the back of the couch. Robbie would sleep on the couch and look over the edge at me. Both of my dogs were more concerned about creature comforts than I was.
                     
I laid on the floor of my therapist's office on Monday. I was sitting on the couch and somehow melted down onto the floor and just stayed there. I don't think she quite knew what to do with me. I was really sad and not motivated to even breathe. I get like that sometimes. I will make an effort to stay on the couch for my next session. I think.

The months of sleeping on the floor in front of the couch were not healthy, nor should they be repeated. Lying on the floor in front of my therapist's couch reminded me of those nights. They were not fun. They were sad and lonely and desolate and filled with despair and sorrow. And every other synonym for "sad" that you care to insert here. ______________
                        
I don't think my attraction to the floor is healthy. I am trying to not lie on the floor at work right now. It is not easy. The floor sings a song of comfort and solidarity. I like the floor. The floor likes me. I really want to lie on the floor.

7 comments:

  1. Not saying it's healthy at all, but I'm wondering why. Is it self-punishment? Or is it for a sense of grounding? I used to become really dissociated. Like, people would try to talk to me, and I could not respond. Not "would" not, but really "could" not. Just sat there staring at a patch of color until I WAS that color and nothing else. Sitting on the floor (or even better, the ground outside) helped me to reconnect to real life. I'm wondering if this has anything to do with being able to feel your feet again, being more reconnected, and being scared of that reconnection. Just thoughts.

    J

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you are right. Driving to work this morning, I felt my pant legs on my calves and it really freaked me out. Do normal people feel all the time? I do need to be grounded. I have considered that. It feels safer on the floor.

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  2. The floor is lovely and cool. And if there's a fire you're supposed to get to the floor. There's more air down there. Maybe it's just getting too warm?

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    Replies
    1. My wish for you is that you never understand the need to lie in the fetal position on the floor. It has nothing to do with temperature and everything to do with depression. I hope you never experience this.

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    2. I haven't done the floor. I did the back of the closet more than once when I was with my ex. I hope you don't have to do it again too. It sucks.

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    3. Ugh. Back of the closet while with someone is terrible. I would just leave when I got scared and go sleep in a random parking lot. The things we did, man... The things we do. Depressing.

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    4. We don't have to do that any more. I've taken my power back now. Maybe it's time you let go and take yours back too?

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Don't make me talk to myself, yo.

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