Thursday, July 24, 2014

L is for List

I have a list of people who act the same way. They will claim to love/like me, do something hurtful, get mad at me for what they did, and stop speaking to me. Now granted, they all have serious mental conditions, but still, is there no human decency in these people?

Ex is at the top of that list. He did this so many times, there is no way to count. I clearly remember the time I got home from work one night and he was on the couch and refused to speak to me. He didn't speak to me for days. Things had been going fine; I had no idea what I had done to make him mad at me. Turns out, I hadn't done anything at all. He had gotten home from work early, gone on a bike ride, and then decided I would be mad that he went without me. So he got mad at me for what my imagined response was, and stopped speaking to me. For days. I didn't even know he had gone on  a bike ride in the first place, and I wouldn't have cared. But I got punished for what he had done.
My older sister decided I said something hurtful to her. She stopped speaking to me for an entire year. She and her family missed my college graduation and she was not there for me during my difficult divorce. She said mean things about me to her children. My nephews. One day a year later, she suddenly came to the realization that I hadn't actually said anything at all, and all was "forgiven." She explained to me that she understood I hadn't been mean, and that we could be friends. Life was resumed. I got no apologies; there was no remorse for adding to the extreme pain I was going through. Nothing. I forgave her because I love my nephews. I will never trust her. But I will tolerate her for my nephews.
Last night, someone I have been a friend to got mad at me because I called her on something hurtful she had done. She thoughtlessly used me (by name) as an example in therapy group, and even though she knew I was upset about it, didn't apologize or even mention it all week. In group, I said I was upset about what had happened. I didn't name her, but she named herself by getting up and leaving. She did apologize via text, which I accepted and apologized to her for not talking to her in private. She then proceeded to tell me why she was in the right. Why it was okay for her to use an incorrect example with my name involved. I didn't get mad. I didn't tell her she was an idiot. I simply told her to leave me out of her examples. "No worries about that." was her reply. And boom, she resigned our Words with Friends game and unfriended me on Facebook. She is mad at me for something she did.
Again, I realize these are very screwed up people I am dealing with. I need to choose better friends. Did you notice I said I had been a friend to this girl, not that we were friends. She was never there for me when I needed her. If I asked to spend time with her, she would tell me she was waiting around, hoping her boyfriend would let her spend time with him. The last time we went to the movies, she bought the matinee tickets and expected me to pay for the refreshments (WAY more expensive.) I missed the previews, which are my favorite part of the movie, because she had decided at the last minute to go see this particular showing and I wanted to accommodate her. Afterwards, I asked if she wanted to go eat or get a drink so we could talk. Nope. She wanted to stand on the sidewalk and talk about herself and then leave.
This behavior was typical, but I never called her on her selfishness. I was pathetically grateful that she had spent time with me, since she has a habit of abandoning her friends once she finds a relationship or someone to sleep with. That isn't a friend I need. It makes me sad, but I am better off without that in my life. I need to be around people who are respectful and considerate.
I was thinking this happened to me "all the time," but really, it is just these three mentally ill people who cannot sustain relationships with anyone. I don't know why I think I can be different. I don't know why I should tolerate their insanity. I think my list will end here. Three people on my list of narcissistic people who get mad at me for the hurtful things they do is enough. I've learned my lesson. The list is closed.   

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