Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Q is for Queasy

I usually do not go this long without writing. I try to write every two or three days, so you guys have something fresh to read. But sometimes, I get stuck on a letter. Oh, well, you may be thinking; Q would be hard. There are not a ton of words that start with Q. That is not the reason, however. The reason is, quite simply, that I don't want to write this one. I knew Q would be for Queasy at around the letter L. I have been dreading it since then.
I feel queasy almost all the time. My stomach hurts the worst in the morning, along with my head. I almost always wake up with both a stomachache and headache. This has been the way it is for years. So long, in fact, that I didn't even notice it until, in therapy, we started talking about my father. Then I began noticing that I was fine until I walked into my therapist's office, and while checking in, I would start to feel nauseated. By the time I got upstairs, I would feel like throwing up. My therapist is not a nauseating person; quite the opposite. So why this reaction?

The queasiness would get worse when we were talking about my father. Sometimes my stomach hurt so badly that I couldn't sit up straight. The need to apply pressure was overwhelming. It was worse than the worst cramps I have ever had. (I am not sure why I'm writing this in past tense. It still happens every week.) My therapist has educated me about the enteric nervous system. Apparently, humans have a ton of neurotransmitters in the stomach, and that is why troubling things are often felt in the gut. I found an interesting article in the New York Times about it, if you are interested in learning more. It was very enlightening.
I think I have mentioned that I felt a cold knot of fear in my stomach every time I would drive up the hill to the house and see Ex's truck in the driveway, or every time I was home and heard Ex pull up. I never knew what mood he would be in, and it was generally a bad one, which resulted in the fear. Now I know why it was my stomach that hurt.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my morning queasiness and have come to the conclusion that, during the day, I can control my thoughts. During the night, my subconscious mind is given full reign on my memories, and it runs gleefully through all of my past traumas. Which makes my stomach hurt. Which makes for bad mornings. Which makes me "not a morning person." You would not be a morning person, either, if you woke up with a mind stuck in the throes of tortures past.
I feel better after writing this down. It has been bothering me for a long time now. I don't like to admit (especially to myself) that the first trauma I remember was when I was about two and a half years old. That isn't fun. Result: a lifetime of feeling queasy.

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Don't make me talk to myself, yo.

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