Monday, February 6, 2012

E is for Eating

Perhaps a more appropriate title would be “E is for Eating Disorders”.

            Right after I left Ex, I lost eighteen pounds in about one month. I don’t know if my sudden increase in alcohol consumption had anything to do with it or if it was just the depression, but for a long time, I had absolutely no appetite. I would start eating a banana and it would literally take me at least five hours to choke it down, one little nibble at a time. I was just not able to ingest anything.
People commented on my weight loss and expressed concern. I told them all I was fine even though I wasn’t. My clothes fell off of me and I had to start wearing layers. I loved seeing my ribs and having no creases in my stomach when I bent over. It was great. I felt totally in command of myself, but at the same time, felt completely out of control. I liked being skinny but I knew I was too thin. It was a difficult combination.

            Then things switched and I suddenly became hungry. I started eating everything I could get my hands on. I would eat until I felt as if I would burst. I ate mostly junk food. I started to gain weight, which caused me to freak out; I knew something had to change, and fast. I stuffed my face for several months until I was finally full – I stopped eating again.
            I have stabilized at a certain weight and am trying very hard not to care that I no longer weigh 100 pounds. Logically, I know I am at a good weight for me, but inside I am screaming “You’re fat!” Ex liked me rounder and so when I was married, being this weight did not bother me. It made me curvier and I felt more feminine. Now I just feel fat and sloppy. My clothes aren’t fitting as well as I would like, meaning they actually fit me instead of falling off like they used to. I feel too soft.

            Today I ate five almonds, one string cheese stick, and a bowl of Cheerios...

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Don't make me talk to myself, yo.

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