Monday, October 29, 2012

A is for Again

This EMDR thing really sucks. Since my therapist moved away, I had to switch appointment times, so now I get to relive my traumas at eight every Monday morning. Not the best way to start the week. My new therapist is nice, but I'm not comfortable with her yet, so it is really hard to get into it with her.
I don't want to sit there with someone I just met and cry about being unlovable. It's too much.
Isn't it enough to live through it once? Can't I just lay things to rest and not have to think about them ever again? Can't I control my brain enough so I don't have to go through the trauma again and again and again? I mean, seriously, I relived one particular event at least six times this morning. Not fun. And not even close to resolved. Which means I get to live through it again. And again. And again.
I told my new therapist that I feel self-indulgent and that my traumas were not "bad enough" to warrant therapy. She told me I most likely feel that way because of low self-worth. Zing! Right to the heart of my problem. She's good. But I still don't want to break down in front of her. Not again, anyway.

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Don't make me talk to myself, yo.

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