Monday, December 30, 2013

B is for Bothered

Things that are bothering me, but not in the order of importance:

* It happened already. Remember I told you about the dental student who cruised the produce section while I hid in the back at the deli? Remember that I said someday I would come face-to-face with a professor or student? Yeah, well, that happened today. I had to show someone where to find beef broth, and as I was walking back to the deli, passed Laura, a girl who I used to hang out with at dental school functions. She said (in an incredulous tone of voice) "Marcy?" I kept walking. Didn't hesitate or turn around or even cry. Just marched back to the deli. I feel bad because she was really nice, but there I was in my stupid hat at my stupid job and I just couldn't face her. I'm sorry I suck, Laura.
* I am greatly bothered by wondering if my older sister's family is still in touch with Ex. I don't want to ask, because I don't think I could tolerate it if they were. It's too much. The betrayal is too harsh. I don't need to know. I want to know. Oh, how I want to ask...

* My landlord bothers me because he JUST NOW cashed my rent check from October. Um, it's almost January and you are cashing this check now? Now that I have no money? Now that I have stupidly quit my cushy job at the doctor's office? Thanks. A lot.
* I am seriously bothered because I met a Dude who I really like. He is really nice and sweet and I really like him and I really don't want to, because these things do not generally end well for me. Plus, I haven't talked to him in two days, so that bothers me, too. Is he done with me already? I know he is really busy these last two days, so on the surface, I am not bothered. Under the surface is turmoil like you would not believe.

* My dreams are bothering me big time. I have been having nightmares about school and not measuring up as a child. These dreams are so realistic that it is hard to come out of them. I have had spurts of bad dreams throughout my entire life. The dreams start out just barely disturbing me and get worse and worse until along come the nights when I wake up screaming or crying. Good. Times.
* I'm bothered because I have a friend who was in my therapy group and stopped because she disagreed with her therapist, and now she is lost. I tried to help her set up an appointment with another therapist, but it didn't work out. My friend does not seem to be the most stable of people. I don't know her very well but I think she is really nice. It bothers me that she may be in danger from herself.

* I'm bothered that my house is messy and maybe that is why Dude hasn't called me the last two days. I am sure I am projecting my own insecurities. Easy to say, hard to own.
* I'm bothered by breathing. Sometimes I just get sick of breathing and want to stop.

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Don't make me talk to myself, yo.

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