Thursday, December 12, 2013

S is for Static

I have gone back in time to a place when I thought I was happy and everything was okay. I was married and worked in the deli at the local grocery store. I was still working on my undergraduate and was working there when I found out that I was accepted to dental school. I was working there when I left Ex and then found out that he was trolling craigslist two days later for a date. I quit because I was afraid that Ex would come in and find me. He knew my schedule and that was back when I still (!) thought that he cared.
Now, I have flunked out of school twice, have a virtually useless degree in chemistry, have a humongous load of student loans, am divorced, have been in the hospital for mental issues twice, have spent hundreds of dollars on therapy and medication that doesn't seem to be helping at all, and am back at the deli.
The same core group of people still work there. The managers and the full-timers are the same. The product is the same. It is like stepping back in time. I got a twenty-five cent raise. I still won't make enough to make ends meet. Christmas is coming up and I doubt I will get to see my family. I don't have the money or the time off. I tutor on Tuesdays and Saturdays, but only a few hours each day, so it doesn't add up to much.
I don't have the ability to have a "real" job right now. I've had about nine jobs in the past three years. Can't stand to stay at one job, can't make myself get up every day, day in and day out, and go to the same, boring job. I'm stuck in a downward spiral and I don't see a way out.

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Don't make me talk to myself, yo.

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