Thursday, May 22, 2014

I is for Important

Things that trumped me on the list of things important to Ex:
  1. His computer
  2. His motorcycle
  3. His truck
  4. His house
  5. His cat
  6. His motorcycle tools
  7. His mom (who, even though he hated her, was still more important)
  8. Movies
  9. Watching motorcycle races online
  10. His mountain bike
I could go on. The point is, I wasn't in his Top Ten. I wasn't on his list, period. There were nights when he would throw a tantrum and I would get so scared that I would spend the night in my car in some random parking lot, because I was more scared of Ex than of, well, spending the night in my car in some random parking lot. In the morning, I would sneak home when I knew he had gone to work (but still double-checked before turning onto our street to make sure his truck was gone), and find an empty pizza box in the trash can.
That is how important I was to Ex. I was too scared to come home, he ate pizza. Incredible.

My mom told me about a month ago that she was going to come visit me. I don't remember the last time I saw her. I tried to go visit over spring break, but, two days before leaving, I totaled my face and my car, so I couldn't make it. How important am I to my mom? Her first words:

"Is your car okay?"
Not important. Anyway, so she told me she was coming to visit. I called her last night to see when she would be arriving on Friday, and she told me she isn't coming. She's moving an hour farther than where she currently lives. She moved away to live near my little sister and my sister's family, and now they are all packing up and moving farther away. It's not a new plan. She's known for months that she was moving, and for weeks that she wasn't coming to visit me. I am not important enough to be informed that she isn't coming. I had to call her. Hell, I talked to her about a week ago and she still said she was coming, but last night, she told me she has known for weeks that she's not.
It makes me think. The childish part of me thinks: well, since nobody loves me and I never see my family, I might as well die. The adult part of me thinks: well, since the reason for not committing suicide is to avoid hurting family, and I am not important to my family...


  1. Hi Marcy. Unsurprising you feel and think the way you do right now, but this can change for you.
    A friend shared your latest post with me, concerned. That is just one clue that you are worthy!
    Hopefully, you are meeting or accessing in some way, guidance for your pains. If you would care to share, do let me know.
    Your sense of self-esteem has clearly been challenged significantly and its understandable you feel this way, but here's the thing. When you are able to return to a way of thinking that doesn't define yourself, based on what others say and do, you can return to a place of self-value and worth once more.
    You may not be able to influence or control 'others' and their lack of skill, but you do have choices about what those lack of skills in others means to you.
    There really is no-one more important!
    Do get in touch if you want to discuss further, or make sure to maintain contact with those who are in your corner.
    You really are worth it, and people are listening who care.
    With warmest wishes, compassion and empathy.

    1. I appreciate your kind words and apologize for raising concern. I am in therapy and that action states that I do have a little, tiny part of me that has self-worth and wants to get better. The majority of me does not, which makes it really hard most days. Thank you for caring. I really do appreciate it.

  2. I neglected to check the box "Notify me" for any further comments! Please bear that in mind and reply to this comment if you wish to talk further - or click my profile. Thanks.

  3. Hey Marcy!

    Sounds like you're having a really rough week. As I said last blog, I know it may feel like you're not heading where you want to be, but keep your chin up! Hopefully you've found blogging about it as theraputic as I do - but please let me know if you want to talk or need some help.

    1. It has been pretty rough, but yes, blogging does help. Especially when people comment, which is a big deal to me. I do have a really great therapist, and a tight circle of awesome friends. I just can't share this much with them. Don't want to scare people, you know. Thanks a lot for the support.

    2. Get it out then girl! Get rid of it all and start getting some happy on!


Don't make me talk to myself, yo.

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