Saturday, August 9, 2014

O is for Often

There are quite a few things that haunt me about decisions I made before marrying Ex. Red flags I ignored. Signs that practically slapped me in the face as I sped on past. I am often troubled by these regrettable decisions I made.

I often think about the conversation I had at Taco Bell with my mom. This was right after Ex had asked me to marry him. I told my mom that I was worried that Ex saw me as a meal ticket. I had not yet been accepted into dental school, but was well on my way. Ex often talked about all of the things we (he) could buy, once I was making a dentist's salary.
Those of you who have been reading this blog for even a little while know my mother is not the most caring. I don't know why I was asking her for advice. I often wonder about that. My mom just ate her food and told me to pray about it. I had been praying, often. This was before I lost my faith in the power of prayer. I still believe in God, but not that He believes in me. I often wish I would have listened to my own instincts telling me to run. (I didn't. Obviously.)
The thing that bothers me the most often about Ex is our disagreement about having children. I had never wanted to procreate. I didn't want any child to live through a childhood similar to mine, and I didn't trust myself to be a good mother. Ex lied when we first met, and told me he didn't want kids, either. This was a conversation we had on our second date. Long after that, we were engaged and on our way to visit my family. We had just been to visit Ex's family, and his sister told me that Ex had always wanted kids. So I asked him about it on the trip.
Of course he did. I often think about myself sitting on the gravel behind the car, on the highway off ramp, in the middle of nowhere, weeping. Why did I not just turn around, drop Ex off at his house, and go on with my life? I often wonder. Instead, we continued on to my mom's house and I cried there for hours. That is the one and only time I slept in my mom's bed. I was inconsolable. I often think of my cousin, who we met out at a city-wide garage sale the next day. She told Ex that she was so looking forward to having him be part of our family, and that everyone really liked him.
I often wonder why I put in so much time in agonized thought only to come up with the wrong conclusion. I loved Ex with every part of my being. He wanted children. It was lose him or lose my fear of motherhood. I chose him. Oops.
I often feel a small, burning ember of hatred inside of me for what Ex did to me. I was perfectly content being alone. Then I opened my heart to wanting a whole family. Then Ex showed his sociopathic self and now I am alone. I often wonder how I could have been so stupid. I think I'll go cry myself to sleep now. I've been doing that often lately, but not about myself, lately. Tonight, I will cry for myself...and my unborn children.

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Don't make me talk to myself, yo.

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